This Is It

Have you ever felt like you were at the jumping off place? Not suicidal, but you know that if your stay where you are, you'll deteriorate. Become complacent? Maybe, you are complacent and just don't know it. Do you relive the Good Ole Glory Days of your life? Or maybe you're reliving the terrifying, traumatic, shameful days of your past.

Imagine going through your closet in search for something to wear, only to find that 80% of your wardrobe was your wardrobe from when you were 18 yrs old. At first glance, you're pleasantly surprised. You begin to reminisce, pull out a few of your favorite outfits, and ponder whether you should try one on. Some of us would take one look at that old wardrobe and know immediately that you've out grown that wardrobe physically and mentally. There's no way, that skirt or pants is going to make it up one leg, let alone two. You've made peace with it and make plans to donate this wardrobe in preparation of your present and future. (Who you are Now). Then,there's other people that have outgrown the clothes physically but not mentally or emotionally. These people make the decision to hold on to the clothes, only to set a goal to lose weight to get back into these clothes. This second scenario is problematic because it causes you NOT to focus on who you are and who you're becoming. One becomes focused on who they WERE. The Good Ole Glory Days. While it's nice to reminisce, we should not live in the past. While it may feel normal and validating to dwell on past hurts and unforgiveness, it just wastes your life, your energy, your joy, happiness, and the loving relationships you want, have or could have. This is crippling, because it affects every area of your life. Third, there are people who are in their 30's. 40's, 50's and so on that may be able to fit into these clothes from when they were 18. Yes, they may be able to slip into their old wardrobe and wear it comfortably. But mentally and emotionally, there's been exponential growth. There's no comparison to who they are internally as to who they are physically. This person will be surrounded by people that would probably say, " You should wear that outfit! Don't throw that away. If I had your body. I would wear it!" . I'm pretty sure that these people mean well, but what this means is that they don't see you. Who you really are, how you've changed. They don't realize that this physical wardrobe doesn't line up with who you've evolved into. This is when the person in the third scenario stands up for themselves and declines to keep the wardrobe and plans to shop for the person they've evolved into. Lastly, this person is the same as she was at 18 even though she's in her mid forties. She decides to keep the wardrobe and wear the entire wardrobe. She looks at the wardrobe as a trophy. Even though she's 45, she dresses and thinks as though she's 18.

I hope by now,you've realized that this so called wardrobe represents anything that's holding you back in your life. Maybe you were popular, now not so much. Or you were best dressed, the super athlete, dancer, the singer that almost made it, close to making partner, etc... you get my drift. Maybe you were rejected from the people you called friend, or a falling out with relatives that you replay over and over again. Maybe it's triggered through the people you've surrounded yourself with. Or you keep believing if you return to your former self, these people will accept you again. Maybe, YOU would accept yourself again. Did you ever stop to think that you've grown and you are holding yourself back. Self sabotaging. I can speak on these things because I have been in scenario 2 and scenario 4 for most of my life. I'd continuously self sabotage. I would choose toxic relationships, I had a low self esteem, believing that I was the lowest thing next to dirt. Allowing people to walk all over me and say anything to me. I would make decisions based on people's acceptance of me. That is no way to live.

I know my worth now. It took a lot of reflection, prayer, tears, therapy, and journaling. Through these things God began to reveal to me who I am. He's still showing me who He's created me to be. I have learned to accept myself for who I am, not for who others want me to be. I've let go of toxic relationships, and prayerful for current and new relationships. The songs that have inspired me most for this post is This Is It- Kenny Loggins and Moving Forward- Israel Houghton. They came to me in my sleep and I've written this post about 2 times and it was mysteriously deleted. These songs represent where I am in my life and where I want to be. I am no longer seeking validation. I've spent most of my life seeking validation, but I now know my validation and my confidence is in Christ! Don't let the past hold you back! Take the chance and be who you were created to be! This Is It! Move Forward! You may not get the apology you seek, that opportunity's door may have closed, but you are alive today! There's a dream inside of you, go for it! Though many of my opportunities have passed, I know that I'm still here for a reason. Maybe, it's to write this blog, I don't know. I'm open to whatever and whomever God's created me to be. I will not be put in a box. What I do know to continue to be a faithful and loving wife, unconditional loving mother, living in love, forgiveness, peace, joy, and integrity. I no longer live in the past. Not to negate those positive and negative experiences, but they don't belong in my present and future. They've robbed me of peace and joy for far too long. I would be lying, if I said that it's easy to be who you are meant to be when you naturally seek validation from people. But, it's so worth it! Walk in Love, forgiveness, peace, joy, and boldness. I'm an Original!